Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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