I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
