I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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