When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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