mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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