capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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