Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
