Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
