I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
