Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
