Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I can't put those talents on a resume
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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