the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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