The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The best revenge is premature balding
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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