K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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