He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
