still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
