Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
