Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You smell like stripper and shame
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
