We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
