I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
