The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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