I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I could make wine with my vomit
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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