Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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