This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
