Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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