its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
