Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
