My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize