So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
ttyl tear gas
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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