I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
