I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize