My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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