Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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