where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
