best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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