Pappa wants mamma naked
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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