I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
