Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
