new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
