I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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