I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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