I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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