I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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