listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
home. puking in laundry basket.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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