Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
did i just pee glitter
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
