i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Im part way to drunk.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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