My underwear smells like fireworks.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We're too hungover to prance.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
