Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize