the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
