I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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