tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
