Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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