you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
