She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
You just made me feel so damn special
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She bit a glass in half.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
