if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
