positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
