when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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