My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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