So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
