My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Randomize
