John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
sex in a hospital.. check
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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