last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
