im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
