I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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