my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
